her vagine was all disorganized.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
