dude i'm inner monologue high
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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