puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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