i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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