Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But I just had this pork pt. It was dick grabbing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
