so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Quick, to the slutcave!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
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he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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