I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Bang-toberfest begins!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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