i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
