Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
