Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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