there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
