your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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