the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This is the high leading the old right now
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
