Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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