he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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