I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.