did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
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If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now