it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
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Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night