I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
