Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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