if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
