So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
