My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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