Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
as a side note pls kill me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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