I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
