i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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