Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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