my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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