we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
