I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
