I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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