Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
