I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
