I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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