At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
