yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm bleeding and have questions
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
