he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
True strength comes from lack of pants
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
