I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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