i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
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I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
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Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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