No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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