You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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