Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
