the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
