I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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