i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
