I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
