Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
