you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
