If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
