I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
