Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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