filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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