I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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