my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
