The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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